How Herd Mentality or Groupthink can lead to Depression

by Nathan Chua

I have to admit that the title of this article is just about a dead giveaway. Experience has taught me how life can be even more difficult than it already is, when people are driven or indoctrinated to think that there is only one way to live the “good” life. It can drive one nuts when seemingly or outwardly successful people, most of the time unintentionally doom others into thinking they are less capable individuals, simply by describing one way of living that is similar to their own. If you don’t match how a self-described leader lives, you are flawed and outside the inner circle of those considered to be exceptional, or at least worthy of acceptance and love.

In my years of searching for the “good” life, I have come to understand that each one of us is special beyond what others think. The plain truth is we are all different. We should never think we are less than anyone else just because the other is smarter, has better looks, or is more financially well-off.

As Kierkegaard wrote:

The crowd is untruth.  There is therefore no one who has more contempt for what it is to be a human being than those who make it their profession to lead the crowd.

I find this prevalent in our country where people are motivated by fear to offer so much deference to religious personalities, almost to the point of fawning behavior. Whether these are fundamentalists or liberal Catholics, they would bow in obeisance to the “sole possessors” of wisdom. There’s very little wiggle room for variety. The result is we become more of a homogenous group that play roles, having to live up to these expectations, even if our DNA doesn’t conform to such made-up standards.

I have seen how so much suffering is inflicted by those who stand behind rostrums, proclaiming they know what it takes to be considered worthy of respect. People come to me not knowing where they stand in this world. The constant bombardment of religious sermons and motivational talks, can be overwhelming. They feel left out and are constantly grappling for that key that can open doors for them to become what they were not meant to be.

So for you who may think that swimming against the tide of social conventions is a curse, I admit, it will not be easy, when you are surrounded by people who have sacrificed their individuality for conformity. You will experience isolation and ostracism. But take heart, for there is no reason for you to feel down on yourselves, for you can otherwise be proud that you have chosen to take the road less traveled. You have chosen to be brave and to live according to your DNA; according to your wishes for what you believe will make you one whom you envisioned to be, someday.

Rollo May wrote, “The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.”

Take courage for you are indeed courageous for choosing who you truly are, and more than what you are expected to be. Free yourselves from the dictates of others who have chosen to stop listening to their true selves, and sold their souls to blind allegiance, and their fears of being different.

 

What’s the fuss about millennials?

by Nathan Chua

The irony in the complaints about millennials, is the thought that these kids were raised by the very same people who are now their biggest and most vociferous critics. The need for casual communication, the wish for personal fulfillment over financial security, the preference to spend resources on travel and experience over the accumulation of material possessions, the primacy of relationships in the workplace over other perks at work, and of course, what we often hear baby boomers and Gen Xers complain about, their sense of entitlement to getting what they wish for without paying their dues, all of these are what the fuss is all about. They are called the, “Look at me,” generation.

I have read through some recent articles studying the phenomenon. They paint a rosier picture than what I had expected. It’s really all a matter of not missing the forest for the tree. For these very same traits that millennials learned from the way they were brought up, are the ones that will make them the kind of productive workers that only this generation that grew up with the internet, can uniquely provide.

It’s all just a matter of knowing these tendencies and providing the right kind of working environment that will allow them to flourish. The fuss is really about this generation of young people starting to join the workforce that is still led by the boomers and the Gen Xers. Like any other moving in situations, having a new breed of home dwellers invade your private space, can pose challenges to say the least.

Some of these potential benefits can be drawn from the millennials’ preference for working in teams, and their confidence in casually discussing their views to their seniors. This makes possible contributions accessible and available with neither fear nor shame. Then of course, they can also teach the older generations how to work more efficiently, with the use of social media to communicate much more quickly than other traditional means.

I guess as far as I can surmise from the resources that I found, it is really up to the more mature part of the population to adjust to the needs of the younger ones. Then we can see the potential benefits of such a flexibility amongst the older set.

I for one, am not so keen on finding out how these dynamics affect the world of work while I deal with individual clients. I guess it’s just the part of me that wants to see all of us as human beings with the same bedrock wishes and needs. I recently found a wonderful quote from a Harvard Professor, Gordon Allport, “Each man is like all other men; each man is like some other men; and each man is like no other man.”

We are both different from, and similar to each other at the same time, which make us true wonders of nature. This is the reason that I come to see every encounter with a client, an adventure into the lives of the wonderful, and the amazing.

 

 

What brings back the love in a relationship?

by Nathan Chua

As I join couples and families in their efforts to improve their lives together, I am beginning to see the wisdom in employing an old marketing slogan from a popular sports brand, “Just do it.” Much of the struggles that couples experience is not that they don’t love each other anymore, but they seem to have lost the ability to feel loved, or be loving.
There are many instances wherein couples think that they have to feel something, to do something. How can I be loving if I don’t feel like it? Unfortunately, the more a couple waits for the feelings to come, the more time is spent on waiting for something that needs acting upon.
This is probably one of the instances when acting or behaving a certain way, comes before the feelings of love. One only needs to go back to the courtship days, when each wants to outdo the other in expressing love. Even if you didn’t like to do certain things, you would do it to win the affections of the other. We do it to bring feelings of love.
So what should couples do to make them fall in love again? Just do it even if you don’t feel like it. No matter how wasteful you think buying those flowers is for your partner, just do it. No matter how much you don’t like expressing words of appreciation or tenderness, just do it.
Another common objection to this idea, is that people often feel it’s faking it to be someone you thought you have not been for so long. “It would feel fake if I were to change into a kinder, more appreciative and transparent person,” as many would say. Well, we can turn this statement around by saying that what you or others have considered to be your personality or style of relating, maybe just you faking it. The real you, is the one who wants to be more expressive, and who wants to act more consistently with how you feel inside. That self has been in hiding because of being hurt or shamed in the past, by the people you entrusted those genuine feelings and desires to.
Just remember you’re doing it because you want to keep the feelings of love. And if the law of averages applies, you will most likely receive the same loving acts in return. Furthermore, just do it because this may be the real you, who has been hidden from sight for so long…for that real you may turn out to be the better, more likable you.

The Extended Family – Vlog

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