How Herd Mentality or Groupthink can lead to Depression

by Nathan Chua

I have to admit that the title of this article is just about a dead giveaway. Experience has taught me how life can be even more difficult than it already is, when people are driven or indoctrinated to think that there is only one way to live the “good” life. It can drive one nuts when seemingly or outwardly successful people, most of the time unintentionally doom others into thinking they are less capable individuals, simply by describing one way of living that is similar to their own. If you don’t match how a self-described leader lives, you are flawed and outside the inner circle of those considered to be exceptional, or at least worthy of acceptance and love.

In my years of searching for the “good” life, I have come to understand that each one of us is special beyond what others think. The plain truth is we are all different. We should never think we are less than anyone else just because the other is smarter, has better looks, or is more financially well-off.

As Kierkegaard wrote:

The crowd is untruth.  There is therefore no one who has more contempt for what it is to be a human being than those who make it their profession to lead the crowd.

I find this prevalent in our country where people are motivated by fear to offer so much deference to religious personalities, almost to the point of fawning behavior. Whether these are fundamentalists or liberal Catholics, they would bow in obeisance to the “sole possessors” of wisdom. There’s very little wiggle room for variety. The result is we become more of a homogenous group that play roles, having to live up to these expectations, even if our DNA doesn’t conform to such made-up standards.

I have seen how so much suffering is inflicted by those who stand behind rostrums, proclaiming they know what it takes to be considered worthy of respect. People come to me not knowing where they stand in this world. The constant bombardment of religious sermons and motivational talks, can be overwhelming. They feel left out and are constantly grappling for that key that can open doors for them to become what they were not meant to be.

So for you who may think that swimming against the tide of social conventions is a curse, I admit, it will not be easy, when you are surrounded by people who have sacrificed their individuality for conformity. You will experience isolation and ostracism. But take heart, for there is no reason for you to feel down on yourselves, for you can otherwise be proud that you have chosen to take the road less traveled. You have chosen to be brave and to live according to your DNA; according to your wishes for what you believe will make you one whom you envisioned to be, someday.

Rollo May wrote, “The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.”

Take courage for you are indeed courageous for choosing who you truly are, and more than what you are expected to be. Free yourselves from the dictates of others who have chosen to stop listening to their true selves, and sold their souls to blind allegiance, and their fears of being different.

 

What’s the fuss about millennials?

by Nathan Chua

The irony in the complaints about millennials, is the thought that these kids were raised by the very same people who are now their biggest and most vociferous critics. The need for casual communication, the wish for personal fulfillment over financial security, the preference to spend resources on travel and experience over the accumulation of material possessions, the primacy of relationships in the workplace over other perks at work, and of course, what we often hear baby boomers and Gen Xers complain about, their sense of entitlement to getting what they wish for without paying their dues, all of these are what the fuss is all about. They are called the, “Look at me,” generation.

I have read through some recent articles studying the phenomenon. They paint a rosier picture than what I had expected. It’s really all a matter of not missing the forest for the tree. For these very same traits that millennials learned from the way they were brought up, are the ones that will make them the kind of productive workers that only this generation that grew up with the internet, can uniquely provide.

It’s all just a matter of knowing these tendencies and providing the right kind of working environment that will allow them to flourish. The fuss is really about this generation of young people starting to join the workforce that is still led by the boomers and the Gen Xers. Like any other moving in situations, having a new breed of home dwellers invade your private space, can pose challenges to say the least.

Some of these potential benefits can be drawn from the millennials’ preference for working in teams, and their confidence in casually discussing their views to their seniors. This makes possible contributions accessible and available with neither fear nor shame. Then of course, they can also teach the older generations how to work more efficiently, with the use of social media to communicate much more quickly than other traditional means.

I guess as far as I can surmise from the resources that I found, it is really up to the more mature part of the population to adjust to the needs of the younger ones. Then we can see the potential benefits of such a flexibility amongst the older set.

I for one, am not so keen on finding out how these dynamics affect the world of work while I deal with individual clients. I guess it’s just the part of me that wants to see all of us as human beings with the same bedrock wishes and needs. I recently found a wonderful quote from a Harvard Professor, Gordon Allport, “Each man is like all other men; each man is like some other men; and each man is like no other man.”

We are both different from, and similar to each other at the same time, which make us true wonders of nature. This is the reason that I come to see every encounter with a client, an adventure into the lives of the wonderful, and the amazing.

 

 

The Dissolution of Marriage: When is it time to say goodbye?

by Nathan Chua

I had a recent interview with the crew of Failon Ngayon for their weekend documentary, about the new proposal coming out of the lower house of congress, authored by the speaker of the house Pantaleon Alvarez. A quick glance at the grounds for both legal separation and annulment, shows a number of reasons that the church and state will accept, for both processes to ensue.

For this interview, I was asked the question of when it is time to acknowledge that a couple is better off apart, than together. Bluntly speaking, when is it time to give up? This is never easy to answer. Most married couples come to me with hopes that things can be worked out. At the same time, I and the couple are very aware of the amount of work and difficulties, that a separation would entail.

If there was a compelling reason to say goodbye to a relationship, I guess it is when one no longer values the other. The response that I usually hear from experts involves the loss of respect. I have no reason to disagree with this. However, if there was a better word that can describe something that unhappy couples lose when the relationship becomes very unstable, it is the loss of valuing one another.

Since I started this blog in a negative note about ending relationships, I think you, my readers would like to end it on something more positive. If valuing your lover or spouse is so important, how come my partner never seems to feel that I do value him or her?

Here are a few tips on how to show your spouses or loved ones that you value them:

  • Try to look as clean and good looking as possible to your partner. This shows that you take ownership of what you contribute to the relationship. It tells your partner that you do not want them to love someone, who is difficult to love because of their sloppy appearance and inadequate hygiene.
  • Say it as much as you do it. Of course, nothing beats actions. You are always going to be measured by how you behave. However, you must remember that talking and speaking your mind is also a deed. It’s good to let the other know that you love them and care for them by saying it as often as you possibly can.
  • Transport yourself into your partner’s world. Although you can’t stand his or her favorite things to do, join him or her occasionally. A little sacrifice can get you a long way.
  • Show and say your appreciation. A little thank you is always welcome. Make your partner feel appreciated and he or she will feel valued and important. Even just a long, loving gaze can do the trick.

Hope these simple tips can help you in your relationship with your spouse. There is nothing more moving than to see one person sacrifice his or her own needs to help another.

 

 

 

 

Should you always tell the truth?

by Nathan Chua

Before I even begin talking about this touchy issue, I would like you, my readers to know, that I fully respect all opinions to the contrary of what I will share with you here. Like many other things, there are simply no easy answers to the problems we face negotiating through life’s vicissitudes.

Truth-telling can be tricky when we talk about it within certain contexts. More common among these situations where people struggle between being transparent or not, are instances of infidelity, or giving the dire news about someone’s imminent death. There are those, especially from some religious groups, that advocate for total transparency, that the old saying, “What they don’t know, won’t hurt them,” is unconscionable or unfair.

However, like most things in life that do not have easy answers, many also believe that telling the truth about a terminal disease or an affair may prove to be detrimental. In the case of an affair, there are studies cited that it is more likely for male partners to leave a relationship when they are the offended party. The revelation of a terminal disease may prove life-enhancing to one, but despairing to another.

I guess, the stand here is no different from what I have believed to be the best practice in therapy, which is to let the suffering individual, make his or her own decisions based on the prevailing circumstances. For it is the client who knows more about the people involved and the surrounding circumstances, than the therapist.

Frederick Humphrey, Professor Emeritus of Family Studies at the University of Connecticut refers to therapists who, by their influence or stature, encourage or even push their patients to truth-telling, as “Verbal exhibitionists.”

I often meet clients who treat me as some sort of expert in their lives, like I knew something about them that they didn’t already. These types of questions put tremendous pressure on a therapist. I often recuse myself from answering such questions, for it is in my opinion, the clients who are most equipped to provide such answers for themselves.

As in other things in life, there is always an option to keep a secret, a secret. There may also be instances when truth-telling can be liberating and useful to a relationship. But one thing I can guarantee for people who see me to seek advice on what to do, I will allow you to make decisions of your own liking, based on what is best for you, and the people around you.